The Real McCoy

The Internet has become the great equalizer, in that; it has empowered so many people in so many professions in so many ways. Google has given new meaning to the saying, “You can run, but you can’t hide.” YouTube has redefined what we mean by “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Bloggers have neutralized the news cycle by publishing “All the News That's Fit to Print” on a 24/7 basis.

And yet, there is not a Google search item, not one YouTube video, and nary a blog post that brings out the real Senator McCain. So I have decided to publish this satirical take on my alleged tête-à-tête with the Senator. Here’s how I think my faux conversation would expose the real McCoy:

Jack: Senator, let’s cut to the chase… have you heard of the saying “The more things change, the more they remain the same?”

McCain: Yes, but are you trying to suggest something…

Jack: Nothing. How long have you been in Washington?

McCain: I have been in Congress since 1983… I began as a foot-soldier in the Reagan Revolution…

Jack: Yeah, it’s quite amazing how you went from being a well-decorated, retired Navy captain to start out all over again as an ordinary foot-soldier in Congress.

McCain: I have paid my dues, my friend.

Jack: O.K., but many presidential candidates have promised to change Washington in the past 25 years, so how are you any different?

McCain: The others let Washington change ’em. Washington won’t change me. I am the same guy I was 25 years ago. I am set in my ways.

Jack: So you haven’t changed, but you will change Washington?

McCain: Damn straight!

Jack: How do you propose to do that?

McCain: I will veto every earmark that comes across my desk.

Jack: You realize that you will be likely working with a strong Democratic majority in both branches of Congress?

McCain: Yes, but I am determined to approve only pork-free bills.

Jack: Wow! Are you trying to appease the Muslims…

McCain: Very funny, Jack! Everyone’s a comedian…

Jack: But seriously, the last president to veto too many bills lasted only one term – your predecessor’s father – remember, “Read my lips…”

McCain: Of course, but he lost because he raised taxes, not because he vetoed bills!

Jack: Clinton raised taxes and vetoed bills – and still served two terms that saw unprecedented peace and prosperity?

McCain: That is because Clinton had a Republican Congress…

Jack: Reagan worked with a largely Democratic Congress…

McCain: Yeah, but they gave him what he wanted…

Jack: I would imagine that the GOP Congress gave Clinton what he wanted…

McCain: Look Jack, what’s your point?

Jack: You can’t bring about change by veto, especially with a Congress run by the other party.

McCain: My friend, I know how the system works, and I intend to change it. Period.

Jack: O.K. So you are going to change the meaning of “change?”

McCain: Exactly! Wait a minute – is that a trick question? Look, my friend, the Democrats are big spenders and they will insist on all their pork-barrel projects. Hillary with her healthcare plan – no amount of lipstick on that pig will get me to ever agree…

Jack: Excuse me, did you just call Hillary a pig?

McCain: Of course not! I was talking about her healthcare plan…

Jack: Just like Obama was talking about all your plans the other day…

McCain: No, no he was talking about Sarah – we even made an ad about it, so that the American people would know him for the Muslim that he is. You do know that Muslims consider pigs unholy and dirty, right? Why else, would he call Sarah a pig?

Jack: That is absolutely not true – are you trying to Swift boat the poor guy?

McCain: That is the only way we are going to win, my friend! I tried the “experience” thing first , then usurped the “change” mantle from Obama even though I don’t believe in it for a second. Heck, I have been a part of this old boy network for 25 years – why would I want to change anything now, when I am 72 years old. Hey, Obama threw us a freebie with this pig line – we are going to ride that baby to victory in November! All’s fair in love and politics!

Jack: Thank you, Senator McCain for the straight talk – you are the real McCoy!

P.S. In the interest of fairness and full disclosure, I am guilty of using the self-same term, “lipstick on a pig,” as can be evidenced by my letter to the Wall Street Journal dated October 15, 2007.